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The Five Finger Discount/Script
gang are gathered around the table. Jonesy is bragging about his new job. Jonesy: "Working at the coolest store in the mall, it's like I'm finally where I belong. I know, I know, you all wish you were me." Nikki: "Yeah, that's right, I dream about it every night." Jude: "But how'd you get hired for such a sweet job after being canned everywhere else?" Jonesy: "You just gotta know how to market yourself, my good man. A good resume opens doors." Wyatt: a paper from Jonesy's pocket "Isn't this your resume?" Jonesy: "Hey, give that back!" Wyatt: reading "Says here you were Volkswagen salesman of the year, and chairman of the Save the Lobster campaign?!? Impressive." Jen: "Real mature, Jonesy." Jonesy: "So?" snatches the paper back. "Once I prove myself on the job, my resume won't matter anymore." Blade: offscreen "Yo Jonesy." Jonesy: "Quiet! Here comes my coworkers." puts on some sunglasses. "Christo, Blade!" Blade: "We're going skydiving tonight. Thought you'd like to join us for a jump." Jonesy: nervous "A jump? Out of a plane?" Christo: "Yeah, it says on your resume you're a Junior National Skydiving Champion." Blade: "Then we're on for tonight." Christo: "We pack our own chutes. Don't forget your crash helmet." Jonesy: they leave "I'm...so...there. Yeah." soon as they leave, his teeth start to chatter. Nikki: a hand on his shoulder "It was nice knowing you, Jonesy." Jude: "Man, I heard people bounce when they hit the ground from that high up." gulps. Jen: "Really? Because I heard they just go SPLAT like a giant water balloon." gulps. Wyatt: up with Jude "Then there was the guy who died of fright on the way down." Jude: Wyatt away "Sure, but the dude would've lived if he just pulled the right cord." Jonesy: after them, frightened "Right cord? Which one's the right cord?!?" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''The Five Finger Discount' ---- '''Jen:' ordering "One lemon squishy to go, please." receives her drink and turns to go but stops. "Oops. Almost forgot to pay." Caitlin: "Don't worry about it. New store policy: all friends get free drinks." Jen: "You can't just make up policies like that." Caitlin: "I've been working here for four weeks. I think I know what I'm doing." raises an eyebrow and stares skeptically at her friend. ---- guys are at Things That Beep. Jonesy: "So? Huh? What do you think?" Wyatt: "I still don't see why Things That Beep is so much cooler than Stereo Shack." Jonesy: "How many times do I have to explain it? Stereo Shack is a computer store for geeks; the Beep sells cool gadgets, like, well, this juicer/tanning machine." demonstrates the machine's capabilities. Wyatt: "Hmm." Jonesy: "And check these out. X-ray vision glasses." tries them on and looks at Jude. He can see Jude's skeleton, as well as what looks to be a peace sign tattooed on the skin of Jude's butt cheek. He screams slightly. Jonesy: the glasses away "Keep it down, willya? I've got an image to maintain. So that means none of your stupid stunts." Wyatt: "Wait. They're always your stupid stunts!" Jonesy: "Well don't encourage me then." makes his way to a massage chair. He sits in it, reclines, and relaxes. Suddenly, a voice speaks. Massage Chair: "Hi." jolts. "What's your name?" Jude: up "Wha–? Where are you, dude?" Massage Chair: "Please say your name at the tone." tone rings. Jude: out of the seat "Whoa, that chair sounds like a lady." Massage Chair: "Whoa is not in my name database. Please say your name again." tone rings. Jude: "Jude. My name's Jude." Massage Chair: "Hi Jude. I am the Tush Control 3000. A state-of-the-art fully-interactive furniture experience." Jude: "Really? Aw, sick." takes a seat. Massage Chair: "Just sit back, relax, and let's get to know each other better." Jude: "'K." chair starts vibrating. Massage Chair: "Now, don't you feel better?" Jude: "A-a-a-a-h-h-h y-y-e-e-a-a-a-a-h-h-h, d-d-d-u-u-u-u-u-d-d-e-e." ---- guys and Nikki are walking through the mall when Jen comes up behind them. Jen: "Guys, wait up. You won't believe what just happened." Wyatt: "Don't tell me. Another skydiver got puréed by a jet engine." Jonesy: worried "Puréed?" Jen: "No! Caitlin tried to give me free lemonade. She says it's her new store policy." Nikki: "Yeah? And then what?" Jen: "That's it. Wait. You guys did pay for your lemonades, right?" four look at each other. "Guys! Can't you see? Caitlin's having trouble adjusting to the real world! You know, the one where you need money to buy things?" Jonesy: "Overreacting much?" Jen: "She could get fired!" Wyatt: "Jen, we all get free stuff from our stores. You know, a demo CD here–" Jude: "A dog on a stick there–" Jonesy: "It's a perk of the job! The employee bonus plan." Jude: "MINIMUM WAGE REVENGE, DUDE!" Jen: "Nikki! Help me out here!" Nikki: "I took a pair of argyle socks from the Khaki Barn." Jen: "But you hate clothes from the Barn!" Nikki: "Yeah, they're gross. I'm giving them to Wyatt for his birthday." Wyatt: disappointed "Nice." ---- and Nikki are talking at the Penalty Box. Jen: "Am I the only one who thinks taking stuff from work is just like, begging for trouble?" Nikki: "Looks like it." Jen: whispering "Once I used a piece of the store's packing tape for personal purposes. But I made sure I put in two minutes overtime for it." Nikki: up some tape "Okay, look. See this packing tape?" Jen: "Yeah." tapes Jen's mouth shut. Nikki: "Much better." Coach Halder: "Masterson!" Jen: muffled "Mmph!" Coach Halder: a hand truck up "Unpack this new stock!" Jen: muffled "Mmp–" rips the tape off "Ow! How do people get waxed?" Nikki: "Don't ask me." looks into the box and gasps. Jen: "The new Leon Shreds boarding jackets! I'd do anything for one." Nikki: "Anything?" thinks. "Alright. I'll buy it for you if you run naked through the mall. With these flippers on." tosses a pair of swimming flippers on the floor. Jen: "Believe me, if you could afford it, I would. It's really expensive." one on and checking her reflection "I look so hot..." Nikki: "You're not the only one who thinks so." looks where Nikki indicates and spots a blonde guy looking at her. Jen: "Carson! He's the cutest guy in the mall." Nikki: "Subjectively speaking, of course. But he's not half bad." winks at Jen. Jen: "It looks like he's got something in his eye." Nikki: "No, shredhead, he's winking at you?" Jen: "Oh. Oooohhh. But he's never noticed me before." gasps. "It's gotta be the jacket!" Nikki: "So buy it. It can't be that expen–" sees the price tag. "Aah! Shopping hurts sometimes." puts the jacket on a display mannequin, but can't seem to let go of it. Nikki comes over to help. Nikki: at her "Let the jacket go!" ---- That Beep is filling with customers. Wyatt sees this and notices that Jonesy isn't doing anything. Wyatt: "Aren't you supposed to, I don't know, talk to the customers?" Jonesy: "Let me tell you a little secret I learned at the Beep. You let the customers come to you." Little Old Lady: Jonesy "Excuse me. I'm looking for a gift for my grandson." Jonesy: "Hey! I'm trying to talk to my friend here. Come back when I'm not so busy." Wyatt "You've gotta make them feel like they have to buy your approval." Wyatt: sarcastic "Right." Jonesy: "Jude!" has spotted Jude hugging the chair. Jude: "You're so different from all the other girls." Jonesy: "Jude, what are you doing?" Jude: "Hey Jonesy. Talking to Betty." Wyatt: "There's nobody here, buddy." Jude: "Sure there is. Betty! I'm sitting right on her." Massage Chair: "Are you happy, Jude?" Jude: the chair "I'm awesome, Betty. Thanks for asking again." Wyatt: "Okay, that's just a piece of furniture with a computer in it." Jude: outraged "Furniture? You know, giving people labels like that is bad karma!" Jonesy: "Whatever! Man, just disappear before I get fired!" Blade: up behind him with Christo "Yo, Jonesy, there's some rich guy from Berlin who doesn't speak English. Why don't you help him?" Jonesy: "Sure. Give me all the hard customers." Christo: "Well you're the only one here fluent in German. Says so on your resume." Jonesy: and going to help the customer "Ya! Hey there! Wienerschnitzel!" Wyatt: Jude out of the store "C'mon. Let's get out of here." Jude: "I'll be thinking about you, Betty." ---- Jude, Nikki and Wyatt are gathered around the table. Jude: "She's so smart, and yet–comfortable. Guys, I think I'm in love." Nikki: "With a leather armchair?" Jude: "Okay, I know, it sounds weird, but hear me out. Betty's beautiful, soft, easygoing–and she makes me feel calm and relaxed! How many real girls do you know that have all that?" Wyatt: "Guy makes a good point." Jude: "Man, I wanna buy her something nice. I was thinking some saddle soap. Or maybe a throw cushion. Better grab 'em before my shift starts. Later." leaves the table. Nikki: him leave "Dude is messed up!" Wyatt: "So what do we do?" Nikki: "Pretend we don't know him?" Caitlin: "I've got it. The only thing that will get Jude off a girl chair is a real girl. You know, one that doesn't need electricity." and Wyatt look at each other, shocked about how good this plan is. ---- and Wyatt are checking out girls. Wyatt: "We got a whole mall full of hotties here! There must be lots of girls we can set up with Jude." Starr: to serve them "Hey! What'll it be, amigos?" Nikki and Wyatt: "The usual." Starr: "Two spicy wraps, coming up!" Nikki: "I dunno. How many people do you know who would carry on a conversation with Jude?" Starr: "Right on! I just got a psychic message! Oh wait. It was just the static in my headphones." Wyatt: "It's gotta be someone outside the box. Way outside the box." Starr: "I just took a power-sweat African-ballet yoga class? Mad hard, but so fun." Nikki: "Oh that's nice." Wyatt "This is gonna be harder than we thought!" Cook: the bags out "Two wraps." Starr: "Here you go! And remember, life is just like a spicy wrap." Nikki: "Yeah? How's that?" Starr: "How's what?" Nikki: "Uh-huh." Wyatt: to Nice Cinnabuns "How about her?" the counter is a quiet brunette in glasses reading a book. Nikki: "Why not? Worth a shot." ---- and Jen are sitting together by the fountain. Jonesy: "Yeah, it's pretty cool. You know, me, the Beep, me...but if anyone asks, I can't go skydiving tonight 'cause my dog died." Jen: eating fries "Sure, whatever." girl in the jacket Jen's been eyeing walks past, drawing wolf whistles and appreciative cheers. Jen: "Hey! She's wearing my jacket!" Jonesy: "She's cute. Did she steal it? Want me to go shake her down?" Jen: "No, no, it's not mine, we just got them at the store. But all I can afford to do is drool over them. Life is so unfair sometimes." Jonesy: "Of course you can afford one, you work there! You get a discount." Jen: "Staff only get 15% off. And that won't help, believe me." Jonesy: "I'm not talking about a staff discount. I'm talking the five-fingered kind?" Jen: "You mean steal it?" Jonesy: "Steal? Heck no! It's worker's compensation. Didn't you cover for two girls last weekend?" Jen: "Yeah." Jonesy: "Aren't you their number one sales associate?" Jen: "Every week." Jonesy: "See? The Penalty Box owes you that jacket." Connor: appearing "Hey! You're the girl who was wearing that cool jacket. You work at the Penalty Box, right?" Jen: "Oh, Carson! Yeah, that was me. But it's not my ja–" Jonesy: her "Ssh!" Carson: leaving "Well, seeya Betty." Jen: ecstatic "Did you hear that? He called me Betty! Yes! Yes!" leaves. Jonesy: annoyed "Last time I called a chick by the wrong name, I got dumped." ---- is putting a stack of shoes in a box. Jen: muttering "Where is everyone else? Why do I always have to put away all the stinky shoes?" takes a pair and angrily throws them in a box. She then notices another pair and hugs it. "Carson wears these." longingly looks over at the jacket on a hangar. She then drifts into a dream... Dream Blonde Wave Girl: "Carson, you're like the god of all skater boys." Dream Carson: "Thanks, hot girl. You rock too." are about to kiss when a blinding light turns on and saxophone music begins to play. Out of the light walks Jen, clad in the jacket. A wind blows her hair to the side, and Carson looks at her. As if in a daze, he gets up and walks towards Jen. Dream Carson: "Hi, Jen. Wow. You look gorgeous today. Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" grabs him and they start kissing passionately. Fireworks go off in the background. Suddenly a voice breaks the dream. Coach Halder: "Masterson! Mas-ter-son!" awakens from her daydream to find herself kissing a shoe. "You put a size nine-and-a-half in a size eight box! And why are you kissing that shoe? You got your head on straight today?" Jen: "Uh I was just–see I–" Coach Halder: "Two minutes in the penalty box!" Jen: slumped "Yes Coach." slumps her way into the penalty box reserved for punishing employees. Jen: her breath, angry "Can't believe this! Best sales associate–no respect!" gaze once again drifts to the jackets. She grins evilly. ---- is night and the Penalty Box is dark. Jen puts sunglasses on and goes over to the jackets. Looking surreptitiously each way, she grabs a jacket from the rack and shoves it into her bag. ---- is serving drinks with most of the gang around the table. Jen arrives in her new jacket. Wyatt: "Looking fine, Jennifer." Jen: "You notice something different about me?" Jude: "This is the new Leon Shreds Pipemasters Jacket!" Jen: "Mmm-hmm." Nikki: "So how did you afford it?" Jen: "Oh, you know, just a little thing called the 'five-finger discount.'" Wyatt: "Huh?" Jonesy: "What?" Nikki: shocked "What?!? I don't believe it! You better be kidding." Wyatt: "What were you thinking?" Jen: "Well, I was putting shoes away, and Coach put me in the penalty box, a-and–Jonesy made me do it!!!" eyes grow wide. The gang stares at him. Jonesy: "GottagetbacktotheBeep!" takes off. The eyes of the friends shift back to Jen. Jen: "What? You guys do it too!" Nikki: "Yeah, we take like, chocolate bars and stuff! You took a whole jacket!" Jude: "That is wack, dude! I'd've just taken a button off it or something." is walking by when he notices Jen. He stops. Carson: "Jen. Love the jacket. Hey, you uh, free later?" Jen: stunned "Sure." waves and moves on. Wyatt clears his throat. Wyatt: "A-heh-heh-hem!" Jen: sheepish "What's a girl gonna do?" ---- Things That Beep, Jonesy and Blade are showing off a gigantic TV to an old lady. Little Old Lady: "It certainly is big." Jonesy: it "Look how thin it is." Little Old Lady: "Can I see it work?" Blade: "No problem. I'll let you handle this, Jonesy, since you studied Advanced Audio-Visual Electronics, right?" Jonesy: "Well, if it says so on my resume, then I did." down "All you do is turn this here–" turns a knob, and loud heavy metal music blasts from the speakers. He quickly shuts it off. Little Old Lady: off "I'll think about it." looks at Jonesy a mite angrily. Jonesy grins and chuckles nervously. ---- and Jen are hanging out by the fountain. Connor: "Uh, is it maybe a bit too warm in here for that jacket?" Jen: "Uh, too warm? No! No, I'm perfect." Connor: "Well, you do look good." and Jen grin at each other. Just then Ron walks by, talking on his walkie-talkie. Ron: "We have a 10-19 at the penalty box. 10-19, over. Something about a missing jacket." gasps. Connor: "Hey, isn't that where you work?" notices he's alone. "Jen?" Jen: in a plant, whispering "Over here!" Connor: "What are you doing in there?" Jen: "Um–sometimes I get–uh–shy. Ooh! Let's go for a walk. This way." Connor: shrugging "Alright." ---- is relaxing on Betty. Jude: "Aw, yeah. Your lumbar massage cycle is like a spiritual experience." Massage Chair: "Jude. When you're happy, I'm happy." Jude: "Maybe we could run away to Costa Rica, or I could run and pull you in a wagon, since you don't have legs." Caitlin: up "Hi Jude! Did you see the two-second hair-curlers? What a timesaver." Jude: "No." up "Hey, wanna meet Betty?" Caitlin: "Oh. Right. The chair." Jude: "Yeah. Betty was worried that maybe you guys didn't accept her, since she's made of leather." Caitlin: "Jude. Listen to me. You have got to get a grip! It's a chair!" gasps and turns back to "Betty." Jude: it "They just need more time, that's all." sighs and leaves. Stanley, bouncing on a pogo stick, goes into the ceiling and begins crying. Jude: "Ouch. Good height, though." ---- the Penalty Box, Jen slips the stolen jacket into her bag and sighs. Inside, Ron is testing the jackets for evidence while Coach Halder furiously paces the floor. Coach Halder: angry "Mreh. Mreh. Mreh!" Jen: upon him "Coach. Are you okay?" Coach Halder: "One of the new Leon Shreds jackets is missing! I know it didn't sell; I checked the receipts." Jen: "Oh no." Coach Halder: "Oh yes! That cuts into profits. Anyway, I'm sure that jacket didn't go missing on your watch. Probably got swiped while Underchuck was running things! She's a lightweight!" walks away. Jen: "Yeah...well don't go too hard on her." ---- is outlining a plan to her friends. Jen: "So this is what we're gonna do. I'll sneak in and return the jacket after the mall's closed. That way Coach will just think it was misplaced. And I'm off the hook. Got it?" Nikki: "Uh-huh...except for the part where you say 'this is what we're going to do.'" Jen: "I need help. You guys can watch for people coming. If someone sees me return the jacket, I'm screwed!" Jonesy: "Jen, love to help, but I've got a big meeting at the Beep tonight." Jude: "And I've gotta get Betty a card. It's our two-day anniversary." Jen: up "Excuse me, YOU got me into this! All of you! With your 'minimum-wage revenge, Jen,' 'you're so out-of-it, Jen,' 'why don't you go steal too, Jen;' I could go to jail! And it's all your fault! And all you care about is your job, and your–your chair-friend!" Nikki: "Okay, okay chill, we'll help you." Jude: chuckling "That reminds me of something Betty said today." Wyatt: to Nikki "I can't take it anymore. Time to move." ---- and Nikki are bringing the bookish brunette by Things That Beep. Book Girl: "So, does he like tennis?" Nikki: "Um, Jude likes...chasing balls." Wyatt: "He's like having your own puppy." Book Girl: "Right...puppies are cute..." Wyatt: "Aren't they?" notice a commotion up ahead. Blade and Christo are throwing Jude out of the store. Blade: "You pay for it, you can have it! Until then, you're banned from the Beep!" Jude: "I'll get the money! Does this store have a layaway plan?" Wyatt: him "Jude." Jude: over "Wyatt, you gotta help me, bro. They won't let me see her anymore! No one understands Betty and I are soulmates!" back towards the store "Oh Betty!" Book Girl: "Betty? I thought you said he was single?" shrugs. Jude: through the glass "I'm right here. I won't ever leave you." Book Girl: "Aw, that poor guy!" comes over with a sold sign and places it on the chair. He sees Jude and flashes him a thumbs-up. Jude: "Oh no. Dude just sold Betty!" on the window "BETTY!!!" Book Girl: "Wait a second. He's talking about a...chair?!?" leaves, angry. Wyatt: "It's the Tush Control 3000!" Jude: down the glass "Dude, no." ---- mall is closed up. Jude peeps out from a photo booth with some binoculars. Jude: "All clear." an upper level, Wyatt gazes through binoculars as well–straight into the face of a spider. Wyatt: "Aah!" lowers the binoculars, and the spider moves off. Wyatt flashes an all-clear to Jen below. Jen: "Okay. I'm going in." surreptitiously slips into the Penalty Box. Meanwhile, by the fountain, Jonesy and Nikki keep a lookout from behind a potted plant. Jonesy: relaxed "This is so easy." Nikki: "Okay, superspy, then what do you suggest we do about him?" indicates Ron. Jonesy: "Oh, man, this could ruin everything! What do we do?" thinks for a few seconds and gets an idea. Nikki: "I have a plan." shoves Jonesy into the fountain. Ron turns around when he hears the splash and spots Jonesy. Ron: "Busted. I bet you were gonna pee in that too. Yuck." grins sheepishly, and then smiles towards Nikki. Nikki smiles back and gives him a thumbs-up. Meanwhile, Jen slips out of the Penalty Box. Wyatt sees her and smiles, relieved. Jen: "Mission accomplished." ---- carries boxes of shoes through the Penalty Box, whistling as she works. Jonesy, Jude, Wyatt and Nikki enter. Wyatt: "Hey, look who's all happy!" Jen: "Yeah, I feel so much better." Nikki: "And what about Carson, the cute skaterboy?" Jen: "Oh, he probably won't recognize me without the jacket, but I'm sure I'll survive." Coach Halder: "MASTERSON! We found the missing jacket. Under a pile of hockey gloves." Jen: "Really? Guess it wasn't stolen then, huh?" Coach Halder: "That's what I thought. Until I saw an unauthorized entry code into the store last night, so I pulled the security tape." Nikki, Jonesy, Wyatt and Jude: "Uh–" Coach Halder: "Got these shots, nice and clear." holds up pictures of Jen returning the jacket. Jen: gulping "I know, I'm fired. I really don't blame you. I deserve it." Coach Halder: "And I should fire you. Yes. But I can't." Jonesy: "Why not?" elbows him. Coach Halder: "I have to respect someone who does the right thing. Even if they had to do a wrong thing first in order to do that right thing." Jen: "Wow, thanks Coach!" Coach Halder: "But you still get fifteen minutes in the penalty box. All of you." Jonesy: "Us? We didn't have anything to do with it!" comes up to stand beside Coach Halder. He has a smirk on his face. Jonesy giggles nervously. ---- five are sitting in the box. Stanley walks past and laughs at them. Wyatt: "This is so humiliating." Jen: "Tell me about it." Nikki: "Embezzlement. It's not a good thing." Jonesy: "Hey, Jen just went about it the wrong way. If she'd only stuck to the small stuff, none of this would've–" Christo: "There he is!" and Christo march up to him. Jonesy: "Guys, what's up?" Blade: "We know you stole something from the Beep, man." Jonesy: "No way, man, I didn't take anything!" Christo: "Oh yeah? So what's this?" pulls a pen from Jonesy's pocket. Jonesy: "That's–that's a plastic pen." Christo: "A Beep plastic pen! I can even see the teeth marks where I chewed it!" Blade: "You're so fired." hangs his head. Jen: "You were saying?" ---- is working the lemonade stand. Jen walks up. Jen: "Hey. The usual?" Caitlin: "One lemonade, coming up." it "I can't believe you can drink this after working here for a whole year." Jen: "Thanks." for money "Oops. I don't have enough change." Caitlin: "Don't worry about it. It's a freeb–" remembers. "Okay. No more freebies. No money, no drink." takes the drink back. Jen: "Exactly." Caitlin: "But...we don't want it to go to waste or anything..." starts drinking Jen's lemonade. Jen: annoyed "I give up." ---- Wyatt, and Jude are walking through the mall. They come to Things That Beep. Caitlin: "Hey, look! They have a new Betty chair in tan! Much more tasteful." Jude: "Uh, yeah. It's nice. I guess." and Wyatt gasp. Caitlin: "You okay?" Jude: flatly "Yeah." and Caitlin share a look and decide not to press the subject. Instead, they leave. Caitlin: "See you later, Jude." Jude: in on the new chair "No offense, but...you're just not Betty." Starr: "Sold your chair, huh?" turns around. Starr has come up behind him. Jude: "How'd you know?" Starr: "When my mom got rid of my old desk lamp last year, I cried for two whole days." is shocked, but then begins to smile. Jude: "Wanna get a swishy with me?" Starr: "Okay." walk off. Meanwhile, Kyle Donaldson comes up to the chair and sits down. Massage Chair: "Hi. What's your name?" Category:Season 1